Two articles in Sunday’s NY Times
are of interest to us as caregivers of all ages; they each discuss the reality
of growing older and of dying, albeit from differing perspectives. One is part
of an ongoing series in which responses to a selected letter to the editor are
published along with a response from the writer and inserted weekly into the
Review section of the paper. The other is a regular column in the Styles
section by Bruce Feiler. Sunday’s column was titled The Father is Child of the Man, with the subtitle “Parallels between
caring upward and caring downward on the family tree,” which more
accurately summarizes the article.
Mr. Feiler’s mother has a few
adult children who all live in different states from her. She had been caring
for her husband who has Parkinson’s disease for quite a while, including through
back surgery, without, it seems,
assistance from her children, until she fell and dislocated her shoulder. The children
“huddled” on the telephone and Mr. Feiler was chosen to travel to Georgia where
their parents live. Feiler found that his parents benefitted from his help in
reviewing their expenditures as well as in finding activities that were entertaining,
especially computer or reading to help keep his father’s mind active. He also
learned that the person needing care often lashes out at the caregiver and that
when the loved one has a distorted view of the world it is better not to
confront, but rather to agree without causing more discontent.
The letter to the editor written
by Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring concerns both the medical profession and adult
children’s unwillingness to discuss end-of-life issues, using the example of
asking a dying man if he would like a feeding tube, without adding the sentence
“Without the tube, you will die.” Dr. Spring suggests many valuable reasons for
this end-of-life discussion including forgiveness and reconciliation between the
generations, citing that many adult children end up caring for parents for whom
they have ambivalent or negative feelings.
Both articles reveal the need for
continued conversations throughout life between the life partners and between generations,
switching when the children become adults to sharing concerns the parents have
about their own lives instead of only listening and offering advice when their
children phone to ask for help. Did Mr. Feiler’s mother need help with caring
for her husband before she fell and dislocated her shoulder? Do initial
discussions about feeding tubes belong at the bedside of someone who is
terminally ill?
Adult children need to be aware
of the parents’ needs as they age, parents need to share their concerns with
their children. What keeps us from sharing? Where do we lose that trust, that
intimacy that prevents these important discussions?