Blessing or Obligation December 23, 2015

How easy it is to complain about the holidays. How much time and effort it takes to find and purchase "just the right" gift that our relative might not appreciate fully. How much money it costs to make the family dinner or to travel to our relatives' home where the food is what it always was, but our tastes and nutritional needs have shifted. How much we really don't enjoy the company of the relatives or perhaps of their friends who are invited this year. On and on we go, finding fault with our families and with ourselves for "doing it their way" instead of sticking up for our own needs and wants.

What's so special about getting together with folks we seldom see except at holiday time, weddings or funerals?

Why not make holiday time about us, about our friends, with the foods we want to eat and the people we want to socialize among?

Why should we do something if it doesn't make us happy in the moment?

What is it about the holidays that leaves many of us feeling empty, like we're "not good at family" relationships. What is it that makes us judge the relatives who don't show up?

Maybe we feel that since we make the effort, after a lot of quiet complaining, everyone else should too. It's only fair, right? How do we feel if we don't participate? What is left to feel special about?

What holds the holidays in place? If everyone feels as the complainers do, why are so any people crowding the airports and highways to get to these mediocre overstuffed dinners with relatives we see so seldom?

There is no right answer, no one way to handle these stressful times. We remember when we were children, we idealize the past where we can, we whitewash the sad or angry moments, the disappointments. We make jokes of the minor calamities, but we hold on to the relationships we have because in a heartbeat or a series of years, they will all be taken from us. We need to carry on the traditions of our families, to keep the connections, to provide fun times and good memories for the children because we were there once and our children and grandchildren, nieces and nephews will be in our position sooner than we think. We need each other, even those who see or speak with each other only a few times each year.

Call if you can't visit with family and find people to share the holiday spirit, open up your heart and let the good shine in.

Responses to Loss December 9, 2015

I lost my husband to the scourge of Alzheimer's disease on July first of this year. I felt not only the terrible loss of my life partner, but the huge loss of the resonsibility of caring for him during the length of his illness.

I wondered for a time how I would fill the hole left in my life by his loss and by the removal of that daily, hourly responsibility. I reveled for a while in the freedom I now had, to choose how to spend my time, where and with whom. Thre were so many relationships that had been put on hold, so many lectures, books, performances. I threw myself into a kaleidoscope of activities.

From July until the beginning of December. And then I caught pneumonia. Even though I was at the gym every morning, took three yoga classes and three execise classes each week plus a dance class and a Zumba class. I worked on my posture with an Alexander Technique person and a Feldenkreis instructor. I hosted two dinner parties and a tea.I ate well, walked miles every day, I felt energized and healthy.

So where's the connection? Coincidence? I can see coincidence if I developed a cold. Or even the flu from being in the confined air of an airplane cabin. But this is more than that. I'll tell you the clues.

One: I cleaned out my husband's "stuff" that was special only to him from his New York hobby room. I gave away his clothing, except for two sweatshirt jackets I couldn't part with, not that I would wear them. Two: I have yet to clean out his special "office" in our Arizona home. I just can't get myself to do it, although I did find his Army dogtags that his son asked me for.

Three:  The health insurance company sent me a new identification card. I went for an xray on Monday and I was obliged to fill in the forms. For the first time I circled "widowed." And in "relationship to subscriber" I entered "self " instead of "spouse". Twinges of pain I have been running away from for the past five months entered my system not directly at my heart but just behind it, in my left lung. 

Gratitude November 22, 2015

It is only in the last 10 years or so that I have begun to feel truly grateful. Before that I felt entitled. Certainly not by being born white or Jewish, or the daughter of Holocaust refugees. But I felt that the good things in my life came to me because of my efforts. Either my parents or I had worked hard to achieve them or to deserve them.  I felt I was the passive recipient of good genes. I earned good grades in school. I learned how to be a patient and kind teacher and a listening psychologist. I read and worked hard at being a good wife and a good parent.

On the other hand, when hard times occurred, disappointments in relationships, or jobs or when I experienced losses, I had the feeling I was being punished for perceived failures. By not living up to the standards that were set for me, I had let myself and others down and consequently had "earned" the failures I encountered.

I also never believed in luck. I can't gamble; I am too afraid of losing.

And since I was born on the cusp of the Second World War, I studied about God and learned the language of the prayers and observed the rituals of my religion, but I never trusted in a personal God who would be there to help me in any way.

So what changed?

I was faced with a problem that could not be fixed by my efforts or anyone else's efforts. The fact that my husband developed Alzheimer's disease could not be attributed to any fault of mine, to any misbehavior or lack of concern, love or effort. His illness was not a punishment to him or to his family or to me. It just was.

Alzheimer's disease transformed me, made me realize how lucky indeed I am and how we are not in total control of our lives. Even though I exercise and watch my weight, I am grateful each day to wake up healthy. I am grateful for the sun when it shines and for the rain. I am grateful for my children and grandchildren who are healthy and thriving. I appreciate  my friends wth whom I can share a meal or an event, a greeting or a conversation.Thank you for being there.

Thanksgiving November 20,2015

Remind me, folks, lest this dinosaur forgot. Why  did the Pilgrims designate this day of celebrating with the Native Americans when they had survived the first harsh winter in their new land and harvested their first fall crops?

They thanked their God for what? Turkey? Corn? Sweet potatoes?

They were grateful they had chosen against all odds to flee the countries that were persecuting them. They had made the difficult choices and had experienced significant hardships not only reaching a new land, but learning new skills, weathering storms and cold to which they had not been accustomed and relating with the people who already lived here.In order to be free.

Where did they flee to?

America

And every so often, since then, we become "isolationist" and refuse entry to others fleeing harsh conditions, persecutions, discrimination, war and death. WHY?

And how do we justify all the Thanksgiving holiday hoopla without welcoming the stranger into our midst?

Life is Good November 18, 2015

Surely, turkeys play a large role in Thanksgiving. Mine will be donated to the food bank and we will have a vegetarian feast.

But most important are the family and friend reunions at holiday time. I am often surprised when I see people I haven't seen for a while. How did they age so much? Have I as well? I guess so, but I recognize the process in others more than I do in myself. That's normal. The changes in ourselves occur gradually over time, just as the changes occur in the people we see every day, slowly. Often we don't see the changes at all. So if you are visiting your parents or older adults, please look carefully.Gauge how they are dealing with life. What is their mood like? How has their behavior changed? Are they more mellow, easier to get along with or cantankerous and moody? Do they need assistance with the tasks of daily living they didn't need last year? Life is good when we can be with family members we love and can care for.

Have the conversation. Which one? The end-of-life one. What do your parents, aunts, uncles, friends, siblings want for themselves as they age and when they die? If you will be responsible, you need to know what they want you to do.

I will be reconnecting this week with folks I have known for 15 years. For ten years or more, the group met every six weeks for a Shabbat dinner in someone's home. We each brought part of the meals.Of the thirteen who were part of the group when we joined it, six will be present. One couple is out of town, which leaves five to be accounted for. One woman retired and moved out of state to live with her daughter and granddaughters. One woman died a few years ago and two men died this summer, including my husband. And one woman moved to an assisted livng home because she has dementia. We will rejoice at being together and by rememberiing the ones who are no longer with us.We'll drink a toast, but it will most likely be grape juice! Life is good when we can be together with friends. 

Recalculating November 3, 2015

We reach crossroads often in our lives, but many of them are "forks in the road." We have two or three options and we need to choose one. What we do changes the course of our lives. In today's fast-paced world, we choose often and change course regularly, which does not stop as we age. 

For older adults that change is often not easy. We are used to the pattern of our lives and of being swayed by life to "go with the flow" without deciding for ourselves what action to take.

I had lunch with a friend yesterday who has a better ieda. She recently lost her beloved husband of the past thirty-five years. He attained the age of 89 in good health until the last few years when he survived a few surgeries and nagging physical problems. A gracious, loving man, he never complained, he kept up his interest in his world, they traveled, they visited with their blended family, He died at home, in his sleep attended by a hospice nurse as his wife slept nearby.

Now, friends and family ask her "How are you?" and she has found the perfect metaphor for her feelings. Just as the GPS in the car responds when you make a change in the direction the car's voice has indicated, my friend replies, "I'm recalculating."

Now, many of her friends are inviting her to concerts, luncheons, dinners and she is quite busy with the  seemingly never-ending financial and governmental details following a death. She is also determined to "clean house" and to part with many things she no longer feels the need to keep. This attention will decrease with time and she, like the rest of us who have lost beloved spouses, will recalclate the direction  her life will take next.

We All Need Support October 11, 2015

Image from https://img0.etsystatic.com/034/2/5862974/il_fullxfull.657925498_qdg0.jpg.

Nothing is more important for the people who are direct caregivers to a spouse or parent who has Alzheimer's disease or another of the dementias than participating is a support group. I found that out for myself when my husband first attended the Day Club, a day program for people who cannot remain home by themselves all day while their caregiver is at work, or those who need socialization. Mostly the Day Club gives the senior caregivers a break in their non-routine, stressful days.

I wrote about being a caregiver in my book Put That Knife Away-Alzheimer's, Marriage and My Transformation from Wife to Caregiver. I am pleased to report that more copies are now being purchased as the customers go to Amazon to find my second book which just got published. The new one is called The Key, the Turtle and the Bottle of Schnapps-In honor of my parents and grandparents who survived the Holocaust. It tells the story through my eyes as I remember what I heard as a child and what I validated for myself by traveling to Europe to discover the path they took for myself. Readers will see how the title's objects were very vivid to a child hearing these stories repeated as each new relative or friend came to our apartment to see my grandparents.

When I was a child, our milk was delivered every morning  by an Alderney Dairy truck. The bottle you see here is like the ones we received. The milk was pasteurized, but not homogenized, so the cream rose to the top of the bottle. I remember the bottle now as I think about the Alzheimer's Association support group I first attended. We were from 6 to 18 people every two weeks. We came from various parts   of the country. We were of all different ages, mostly women, but a few men as well, just as the milk in those days was collected from many different farmers from many different cows.

We poured out our stories to each other about the challenges, joys and tragedies we faced on a daily basis. We were nurtured by sharing our complicated trajectories.

Now my journey has ended. Three of the original members of this group whose spouses have also passed away, still meet every second week to share our life stories. Our relationship has become richer and more complex. We reminisce, we mourn, we celebrate our life successes. We are separate from the   rest of the group who continue to share their stories, but we are still very much a part of the whole.