I have always thought of boundaries as distance to or from something, someone or some place outside myself. How do I relate to someone who has hurt my feelings? How far do I go when I hear that someone I know is ill? How do I create a friendship from an acquaintance? How much of myself do I offer? And for how long?
What, instead are my boundaries if I use them as ways of keeping others away from me? What if I am protecting myself from future hurt by setting up these very questions and ideas?
I attend the same dance class each week on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The thirty or so participants are mostly regulars. We kind of sort ourselves out by where in the gym we choose to stand. We get to know the names of the women we dance near, or we find out something about some of the women that we then remember. I usually ask a new person about the item or event we spoke about. But sometimes I forget the person’s name and I hesitate to relate to her again, feeling embarrassed. Perhaps, I think, she will think less of me since I didn’t value her enough to remember her name.
The instructor asked us this morning, after she introduced a woman who was taking the class for the first time, if we know the names of all the women in the class. As part of the dance routine, she asked us to go to someone whose name we forgot or never knew and ask their name. Alanka is a woman who has been attending this class for a few months. She often stands near me. She has a great smile. She is enthusiastic which I admire in people and I’m sure I once asked her name and promptly forgot it.
I approached her for this exercise. She began, “:I am so sorry I don’t remember your name. Tell me what it is and I promise I’ll try to remember it for next time.”
Wow, she took the words right out of my mouth. I told her my name, she repeated it and we vowed we’d speak each other’s name each time we saw each other to try to commit it to memory.
Last Tuesday, I discovered that Ana, another member of the class, drinks mushroom coffee. I had purchased some, but, reading the caffeine content, I realized it was not on my diet. I offered to give it to her. On Thursday I forgot to bring it. Profoundly apologetic, I brought it to last Tuesday’s class. She didn’t take the class.! Today, I saw her again. I guess we’ll keep on trying since I didn’t bring it.
I guess the answer for myself is to just be myself. I am kind, I do not cause anyone to feel bad. I have to limit my interactions with others who are hurting in order to protect myself from getting too involved. And I have to let new people into my life, even those who I generally would be afraid to choose.
