How do we think about ourselves? How do these words, thoughts and ideas reflect the actual thoughts and feelings we have about our selves during the course of our lives? How can I write about my feelings today compared with my thoughts and feelings, like when was four years old?
For I have discovered similarities. I had already decided about right and wrong when I was three and my mother's tiny strawberry plants wandered onto our neighbor's yard. I thought they were ours. The neighbor thought otherwise. I knew I was capable of walking to the park next to my mother and the baby carriage without having to hold on to the handle. My mother had even told me her dog Toddie, whom she had to leave in Frankfurt, Germany, knew how to walk to the end of the block and not go into the street when she walked with her ten pre-school children. I was at least as smart as her dog. My mother thought otherwise.
I had much to learn about living in society, about the rules and obligations I had and my parents had, to keep us all safe.
I debated with my math teacher in eighth grade about labelling the multiplier and not the multiplicand. Of course I had to label my work the way the teacher wanted, after I had my say.
I had some successes when I spoke up for myself, voicing my opinions, which disagreeed with what was told to me. I convinced the Foreign language department head in my high school that if I passed the German 1 exam at the end of the year, without sitting through the classes, they would have to enroll me in German 2 for the next semester, and they did.
Gererally, I was successfully socialized. My life has been defined by my dedication to the service of others, to my husband, children and grandchildren, to my students, then to my patients. I am a good listener and I like to think of myself as a good friend. I donate money to charities I believe are worthwhile, I protest the unfairness of abortion and immigration policies that I know are unfair and should be unlawful.
The question now arises, who am I to myself? In general, my obligations to others in my personal sphere are greatly diminished and I have the luxury to decide both my present and my future for myself. And I am at a loss. This I have not been taught.
