Self Awareness November 17,2022

I was feeling good about myself this morning and most mornings lately. I am physically well; I have no aches or pains although I have reduced the amount of vitamins and minerals I take every day. Before the retreat in Mexico, I took eight supplements and vitamins daily, three of them twice each day. By intent, I decided not to take the second batch while on vacation, but I actually took the pills only four of the seven days. I will now take only the morning ones.

I generally leave my NIA class full of energy and vitality, but not today. I returned home tired, even though I had a good night's sleep.

What is bothering me? The weather is chilly, 39 degrees,but my clothing is keeping me warm, except perhaps for my face and I have ordered a knitted hat with a face warmer which will arrive next week to solve that problem.

One thing I do not have is a plan for the next three or four months of winter. Every year I have spent the winter in Arizona and that plan fell through this year. I can cope with that. What is really bothering me are the videos Dana posted from our Mar de Jade retreat this morning. I can see in the videos how I appear to others. Just like how surprised I was the first time I saw myself in Bloomingdales' mirrored escalator so many years ago. That was the day, the folks who hand out make up and perfume samples to folks boarding the escalator who, for the first time, instead of being annoyed by their intrusion, I felt bereft because they did   not offer  me any. I had become invisible as an older woman. The videos show me as I am, a woman many years older than the group members, bent over, arms not straight, slower. My full face look in the dance hall mirror does not reveal the slumped form I present to  others, from the side or from the back. The honest appraisal of myself will not hinder me; I will still dance and do everything I have always done, but it is making me feel tired today.

El Mar, the Sea November 8, 2022

As I sit contemplating the ocean, in a small protected cove in Western Mexico, I am still thinking of the election taking place today.

What I see, as I look out from my open window just feet away from the rocks that border the sea, is an ocean of ripples. The forces of nature push the ripples  along the surface water. For some of the time, the flow is undisturbed as the ripples reach the edge of the sea and dissolve among the rocks. 

Sometimes a small force of a wave appears near the shore and the ripples are thrown against the rocks. 

They retreat weakly, get caught by another wave and disturb the pattern momentariily.

Sometimes the force of the waves coming up from the lower parts of the sea, force the ripples onto the shore and the water explodes in a froth of white. After settlng for a short while, the ripples appear to accost the next wave, pushing it back, but to no avail. The waves continue to push the rippes shoreward.

How big and forceful are the waves of discrimination against women, people of color and any other differences today?

How large will the pushback be? 

Can we override, like the undertow, and push the sea of arrogance and authoritarianism back?

Change November 1, 2022

No sooner than the plane leaving the tarmac, I miss having Steve here. Sure, he was anxious about the flights, especially since he has to change planes and make the connection. Which of course happened. As soon as he reached LAG, the announcement came that his plane had been delayed and who knew how long he would have to sit and wait for the plane to arrive. And will he meet the next plane so that Troy could still pick him up at the airport and could he still see Chipper tonight?

Now he's on a flight to St Louis and a connection that doesn't get him home until 8:40. Bummer.

It is so quiet here. I almost got used to having the television on the news channel all day, except when it was sports time.

I can't seem to settle. It is also weird not having to practice chanting or stress about rewrites for my speeches. All that was completed last Saturday. What a super experience that was. I felt really that I had accomplished something special, so maybe I would have this post-natal letdown whether Steve was here or leaving or not.

When I returned to the city after Bob died, I felt free and loved the solitude and not having to worry aboout him anymore, that I had felt in my short visits to the city while he was in the memory care setting.I thought then, I would never want to live with anyone again. And visitors were always welcome, but I loved my privacy. 

Now, I am no longer sure. My mind is now more open to the idea of sharing my life with, well, there I run into trouble already. Steve and I developed a caring respectful routine in which my life was modified, but I feel I was able to feel ok. Would anyone else accomodate to my wishes?