Do you ever have a day, a week, or even a month when life just doesn’t seem like it’s going your way? Do you ever blame yourself for not being able to accomplish what used to be easy?
At those times, my dance teacher might say to me “Are we having a down on Phyllis day?”
I caught myself self-sabotaging yesterday. There was an event at my synagogue that I didn’t want to attend, but that I felt I should. Always a trigger for me. What did I do? I decided to go for a walk to see the sunset. I had changed from my Shabbat clothing into jeans and a sweatshirt. I was undecided until the last minute whether to go or not. I went, but I didn’t change my clothes, which made me feel quite uncomfortable. Most of the members of the audience had not been to services in the morning; they were dressed for the synagogue. I sat in the back and left after the presentations without joining for food and small talk afterwards.
Of course I could find external reasons for my malaise, including the topics I was not interested in discussing. The recent mayoral election, the war in Israel, the hostages, the Gazans, not to mention national politics. I do my best to voice my opinion when I think it might matter; afterwards, I have had enough and I won’t speculate on “What if’s.”
I call upon my Grandma Rosa’s mantra. In German it is “Man muss das Leben eben nehmen vie das Leben eben ist.” Do you know how hard it was to write that sentence while autocorrect tried to make it into English? Another one of my pet peeves.
Generally the translation is You must take life as it is. Grandma Rosa was a practical person. She had survived so many losses and had decided to accept her life. Well, not really. Grandma Rosa never chan ged her clock to Daylight Savings time. In the 1950’s, the trains still ran on EST all year long and Grandma Rosa saw no reason to change. We all had to accommodate to her time all summer long!
But there is an interesting word in Grandma Rosa’s mantra. “Eben” in both parts of the sentence puts another possibility into my head. I had always translated the adjective-adverb to mean “actually.” You must take life as it “Just” is, or “precisely” as it is or “simply” as it is. And that’s just the first use of “eben.”
In the second part it could be that “it now” is. There are conditions about accepting life. Life can change. So can I. The command “You must” is another trigger for me.
But of course I digress. I am unhappy accepting my life as it actually is. I had difficulty changing the time back to EST this week. My appetite and eating habits were disrupted; my sleep was disturbed. I gained two pounds and I found I need an afternoon nap. When I sit down to read, I find I’ve fallen asleep instead in my favorite chair.
And that “What if’s?” Question that I dislike ? I adopt it into my life. What if this is another sign of aging that I must accept?
