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Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Responses to Loss December 9, 2015

I lost my husband to the scourge of Alzheimer's disease on July first of this year. I felt not only the terrible loss of my life partner, but the huge loss of the resonsibility of caring for him during the length of his illness.
I wondered for a time how I would fill the hole left in my life by his loss and by the removal of that daily, hourly responsibility. I reveled for a while in the freedom I now had, to choose how to spend my time, where and with whom. Thre were so many relationships that had been put on hold, so many lectures, books, performances. I threw myself into a kaleidoscope of activities.

From July until the beginning of December. And then I caught pneumonia. Even though I was at the gym every morning, took three yoga classes and three execise classes each week plus a dance class and a Zumba class. I worked on my posture with an Alexander Technique person and a Feldenkreis instructor. I hosted two dinner parties and a tea.I ate well, walked miles every day, I felt energized and healthy.

So where's the connection? Coincidence? I can see coincidence if I developed a cold. Or even the flu from being in the confined air of an airplane cabin. But this is more than that. I'll tell you the clues.

One: I cleaned out my husband's "stuff" that was special only to him from his New York hobby room. I gave away his clothing, except for two sweatshirt jackets I couldn't part with, not that I would wear them. Two: I have yet to clean out his special "office" in our Arizona home. I just can't get myself to do it, although I did find his Army dogtags that his son asked me for.
Three:  The health insurance company sent me a new identification card. I went for an xray on Monday and I was obliged to fill in the forms. For the first time I circled "widowed." And in "relationship to subscriber" I entered "self " instead of "spouse". Twinges of pain I have been running away from for the past five months entered my system not directly at my heart but just behind it, in my left lung. 

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