Inspiration? June 19,2026

 Who among us is an inspiration? To me,  Ruth Bader Ginsburg, for her erudition , decisions, and fighting on, supporting our values, until she, too, succumbed to perhaps vanity, by not stepping down soon enough so that a Democratic president could replace her on the court. No one individual is complete or without flaws. So many have or are achieving so much more than I. Yet, a woman in my gym class called me an inspiration this week. I want to be like you when I am your age, she said.

She will turn seventy this weekend and I will be eighty-eight in July.

Does she know me? Not really. We attend gym and dance classes together. Once in a while we have coffee with a small group of women from our classes. I guess she aspires to be able to attend classes when she reaches my age.

I appreciate someone standing to give me a seat on the bus or subway, I do. I am not as steady in lurching vehicles when in an upright position as I may have been earlier, but I am capable. I appreciate courtesy wherever it appears, but not because I have white hair. I also cringe when someone looks at me and says Wow, you can still do that?

In my opinion, these are signs of ageism, turned around to appear to be praise. They separate people my age from the larger community. I shared that feeling with the group having coffee. The answer I received

There are bridge clubs and other special interest groups at the Center for Aging. You could join one of them. Does that sound like good advice to you?

My super love, my second husband, died eleven years ago. Since then I have been finding agemates  to spend time with, attend shows, movies, art exhibits, museums. At eighty I had accumulated five of us. Today, three are gone. I belong to a Sunday morning Slo-Walkers group. We walk, we talk , we admire the sights or attend a museum or appreciate the architecture of a particular neighborhood and then we have lunch. I value these women.

I appreciate this time in  my life. I am now not responsible for anyone else but myself for the first time. I enjoy my own company; I love to read. I have the benefit of Central Park and Riverside Park just blocks away for my daily step-counting walks. Living in a doorman building, I have help in opening jars and assembling items I buy. Their presence is very reassuring and welcome. My SAJ synagogue community is very important to me. I now have two families who celebrate Jewish holidays with me; their children refer to me as Grandma, which is a genuine pleasure.

With the current political situation, I have gathered a small group to attend protest marches among. I work  hard to get to know people. All I ask, is that you make an attempt to get to know others better, too. Do not dismiss anyone due to their apparent superficial differences, including white hair and perhaps a slower gait.

Caregiving Support from Afar

How can I support someone who is suffering from a mental health illness who lives in another state?

First, I have to really understand that my son has a serious mental health problem. Check! But that realization is quite recent.

Then I had to process all the guilt and sadness and responsibility questions. Well, I m still working on all of those issues, sometimes beating myself up, ( it's because of x,y and z I did or did not do)sometimes distancing myself emotionally (he's an adult, it's not my problem anymore) sometimes feeling so upset all I want to do is sleep.  Lucky for me, sleep is something I do quite well.

At the first realization that my son was not recovering from a traumatic event well, I put on my travel shoes and went to where he lives.I pushed a n d shoved, threatened a n d dared, until my son told me to go home. 

He refused to seek professional help or to take medication, which of course also required professional consultation. I decided tough love was needed a n d I stopped helping him financially. He responded by no longer speaking to me.

A lose-lose situation for both of us. His life became smaller and smaller. His anxiety grew to fear of living. He was fired from jobs due to excessive absences and unable to receive benefits. 

He called me in distress. "I'm sorry, you were right. I can't do this by myself." He sent me a recent photo. He looks gaunt, having lost more than 20 pounds as he was having difficulty shopping and eating.

I advised him to seek counseling that was part of his insurance plan. He balked at being offered only virtual counseling from a behavioral therapist. He consulted a psychiatrist who prescribed,  but my son did not follow through with appointments and stopped taking the meds.

Slighlty less than a year ago, he connected with a virtual psychologist and he is following the protocols and weekly sessions online. He has a job which he has kept for more than six months,  but he is having a very hard time, worrying about everything.

But this post is about me and for other parents in similar situations.

As you may know, I am a retired talk therapy psychologist so my son's prejudices come partially from his experience being my son. Coming around  to the benefits of cognitive behavioral treatment is real, but necessary. For him and for me. Fortunately,  I had been learning about behavioral therapy from my grandson, whose college studies and work experience is in long term behavioral change.

My son's reluctance to seek professional help is also in part due to his mom being a therapist to whom he could come for assistance. 

Now I have accepted the challenge of supporting an adult son from a distance.

The first thing I did was to consult NAMI the national grassroots organization on mental illness.  They referred me to local chapters near me. They offer me counseling on dealing  with my newfound recognition and personal issues relating to my son's illness. There's online help, support groups and information .

More immediately,  they offered the following guidelines.

Communication:

Ask directly how often and in what way your child would like to hear from you. Don't expect callbacks. Try to use video chats, if he is willing. Keep the conversations short and light.

Practical assistance:

Send food by Doordash or other delivery methods. Choose easy to prepare or readymade so the person can just pick up something nutritional. Boost might work. Granola bars, soups, Mac and cheese,.

Suggest bills be paid by autopay.

Ask your child for a friend or neighbor he can go to  for help in a crisis or you could contact.

Educate yourself on any meds they take. 

Encourage his progress. Refer individual issues back-to-his therapist."Have you spoken about this with.  ?"

Foremost, take care of yourself. Keep up with your own nutritional, exercise and social interaction needs and goals.

I will keep you posted on my progress. Keep me posted on yours.