First, I have to really understand that my son has a serious mental health problem. Check! But that realization is quite recent.
Then I had to process all the guilt and sadness and responsibility questions. Well, I m still working on all of those issues, sometimes beating myself up, ( it's because of x,y and z I did or did not do)sometimes distancing myself emotionally (he's an adult, it's not my problem anymore) sometimes feeling so upset all I want to do is sleep. Lucky for me, sleep is something I do quite well.
At the first realization that my son was not recovering from a traumatic event well, I put on my travel shoes and went to where he lives.I pushed a n d shoved, threatened a n d dared, until my son told me to go home.
He refused to seek professional help or to take medication, which of course also required professional consultation. I decided tough love was needed a n d I stopped helping him financially. He responded by no longer speaking to me.
A lose-lose situation for both of us. His life became smaller and smaller. His anxiety grew to fear of living. He was fired from jobs due to excessive absences and unable to receive benefits.
He called me in distress. "I'm sorry, you were right. I can't do this by myself." He sent me a recent photo. He looks gaunt, having lost more than 20 pounds as he was having difficulty shopping and eating.
I advised him to seek counseling that was part of his insurance plan. He balked at being offered only virtual counseling from a behavioral therapist. He consulted a psychiatrist who prescribed, but my son did not follow through with appointments and stopped taking the meds.
Slighlty less than a year ago, he connected with a virtual psychologist and he is following the protocols and weekly sessions online. He has a job which he has kept for more than six months, but he is having a very hard time, worrying about everything.
But this post is about me and for other parents in similar situations.
As you may know, I am a retired talk therapy psychologist so my son's prejudices come partially from his experience being my son. Coming around to the benefits of cognitive behavioral treatment is real, but necessary. For him and for me. Fortunately, I had been learning about behavioral therapy from my grandson, whose college studies and work experience is in long term behavioral change.
My son's reluctance to seek professional help is also in part due to his mom being a therapist to whom he could come for assistance.
Now I have accepted the challenge of supporting an adult son from a distance.
The first thing I did was to consult NAMI the national grassroots organization on mental illness. They referred me to local chapters near me. They offer me counseling on dealing with my newfound recognition and personal issues relating to my son's illness. There's online help, support groups and information .
More immediately, they offered the following guidelines.
Communication:
Ask directly how often and in what way your child would like to hear from you. Don't expect callbacks. Try to use video chats, if he is willing. Keep the conversations short and light.
Practical assistance:
Send food by Doordash or other delivery methods. Choose easy to prepare or readymade so the person can just pick up something nutritional. Boost might work. Granola bars, soups, Mac and cheese,.
Suggest bills be paid by autopay.
Ask your child for a friend or neighbor he can go to for help in a crisis or you could contact.
Educate yourself on any meds they take.
Encourage his progress. Refer individual issues back-to-his therapist."Have you spoken about this with. ?"
Foremost, take care of yourself. Keep up with your own nutritional, exercise and social interaction needs and goals.
I will keep you posted on my progress. Keep me posted on yours.
