Reentry is different from return; I have been blaming my unease these past few days on the time change, but it is more to the lack of any feeling of return. My life, although rich in loving family and dear friends and with the possibility of promoting my book and of writing my next one, has as its main focus, waiting for my husband’s life force to end. To reenter this tragic discomfort is sufficient cause for disruption of body, mind and spirit that I am now confronting. I go through the motions of daily living, treading water, not swimming.There is no way one can be prepared in advance for a loved one's demise. Today we walked around Bed Bath & Beyond before another trip to the food store."I remember this place; we were here before," Bob stated correctly. As we drove in the car, he placed his hand on my thigh and said, "just to show I'm not dead yet." So is he thinking about dying too? He also told me he hadn't eaten anything yet today and shrugged when I asked him why. He has not been able to answer questions for a long time; I don't know why I still ask. I brought him home at 4:45 when everyone was at the table eating. He said, "We're back at the place where we live," sat down, received a plate of hot food and picked up his fork before I left.
Please understand that these isolated phrases or even sentences are basically the only words Bob spoke during the hour and a half we were together. As I reread this blog it looks like he's more cognitively aware than he is. It's just that I am so surprised when he says something clearly that also makes sense. I hang on to these utterances much as a parent repeats the first words of an infant. But these are the remnants of a once full repertoire of words and they appear occasionally, almost at random.